Heisenberg and Schroedinger were in a car speeding down the highway.
A cop pulled them over and said “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Heisenberg said “No, but I knew where I was.”
The cop says, “You were doing 100 miles an hour” to which Heisenberg replies, “Great, now I’m lost!”
The cop searches the car and looks in the trunk and says to Schroedinger. “Do you know you have a dead cat in your trunk?” Schroedinger replies, “Well, sure now it is!”


Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek.
It’s Einstein’s turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to 10.
Pascal runs off and hides.
Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground, then stands in the middle of it.
Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes.
He sees Newton immediately and exclaims “Newton, I found you.”
Newton smiles and says “You didn’t find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!”


Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first says, “Can I have a glass of H2O?”
The second chemist says, “Can I have a glass of H2O, too?”
The second chemist dies.


A statistician is someone who, when you have your head in the oven and your legs in the freezer, tells you that on average, you are comfortable.


A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage.
The photon replies, “No, I’m travelling light.”


A neutron enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks how much for the drink. The bartender says, “For you, no charge.”


Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up everything.


Two atoms are walking down the street.
One atom says to the other, “Hey, I think I lost an electron.”
The other says, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m positive.”